creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
User talk:Dontmindmydeadaccount
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:08, March 29, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:18, March 29, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story No problem, I understand how confusing the wiki format can be at first, so here are a few pointers for format. Starting with the basics, while it is correct to indent paragraphs in literature, on the wiki format it causes white box formatting issues that make text unreadable. Additionally you need to include a complete space between paragraphs otherwise they combine together (as a majority of your dialogue is). While an interesting concept, there are issues which led to its deletion that I'll outline here. Overly complex sentences that should be broken up to improve flow and structure. " I couldn’t stand being awake, constantly dealing with painful, apathetic boredom; dealing with the stupidity of some people around me, and the cruelty of others; dealing with never being comfortable in my own skin, always wanting to rip myself apart, wanting to grab my rib cage and tear it wide open, and slash at every bit of my organs and skin with my stubby nails.", "Most often, however, my mind is filled with images and feelings, some of which I have never seen or experienced before, and yet I understand them: visions of sand and gold, sometimes a black night with only a small moon to light the way in a vast, wide open area of rolling hills; visions of hieroglyphics, old, crumbling, stained walls filled with ancient carvings, telling the stories of millennia past; visions of feathers, and a black figure of some kind, both humanoid and not.", etc. Lines like this could really benefit for more in-depth explanation: "I couldn’t stand to deal with other people – so many of them pissed me off, while others only reminded me how worthless my existence was." What do they do to piss the protagonist off, why do the others make them feel inadequate? Giving them more characterization would really help the audience get into their shoes and make them more invested in the story. It would help the audience get into their mindset and eliminate the need to re-state the discomfort these dreams provide numerous times (showing, not telling). The largest issue however seems to be in the plot and conclusion. When the protagonist asks these questions: "Why am I receiving these things in my mind? What purpose does it all serve?" it's best to try and answer them or give clues. Why is Anubis sending them these messages? Why has he selected this person? )"I sent all of those visions to try and communicate with you in your waking life, alert you to my presence and identity.") What is Anubis' goal here? Finally the conclusion leaves quite a bit to be desired. It doesn't really clue the audience in on why the protagonist is having these dreams and for what purpose. The story just ends and it doesn't really feel like there's a lot of plot progression here. It feels pretty anti-climactic for the big reveal to happen and then nothing to happen beyond it. When I first read the story, I assumed you had accidentally left out a few paragraphs until I cross-checked and say the dA post. The story leaves quite a bit to be desired and really doesn't feel like this fits into the horror genre and more something that would be found in drama/reflective stories. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:00, March 29, 2017 (UTC) :No problem, best of luck with your re-writing. Don't hesitate to use the writer's workshop (link above) to improve your story before posting a story to the site if you're looking for feedback. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:22, March 29, 2017 (UTC)